What did we learn from watching the Opening Ceremonies in Vancouver on Friday night?

Canada is a vast land. There is more land than the United States, even though the per capita is much less. The distance from the west coast of Canada to the east coast of Canada is greater than the distance from New York to Paris.

TRANSLATION IN AMERICAN: Canadians are either too lazy to build more houses, too impotent to breed more kids, or both.

Canada has a rich history of Native Indians occupying their lands. Current Canadians respect the Native Americans & their culture. They live in peace together.

TRANSLATION IN AMERICAN: Canadians are pussies who like to share and dance around in circles around totem poles, which makes for a really boring show.

Wayne Gretzky is the most famous & revered Canadian of all time. Donald Sutherland helped carry the flag into the arena.

TRANSLATION IN AMERICAN: We couldn't book Celine Dion because she wanted too much money.

Canadians are proud of the fact that the Ceremonies came in under budget, which is very rare as Olympics go. Most cities go over. But Canadian politicians & government actually keep their promises.

TRANSLATION IN AMERICAN: What is a promise?

Canadians' national past-time is hockey. The men's hockey team is the odds-on favorite to win the gold medal. The men's hockey gold-medal match is scheduled as the final event of the entire winter Olympics. Anything less than the gold at home will be a huge disappointment. The entire nation will be holding their Molsons on the edge of their seat during that event.

TRANSLATION IN AMERICAN: Get ready to be disappointed because the Miracle on Ice II is coming!